When the Fire Exposes What the Smile Hides

There was a time when I thought strength meant smiling through the pain. Most of what happened to me, including being cheated on for nearly a decade of a marriage was embarrassing. I didn't want people to know "I failed" or "I was weak." I suffered alone. Going to lengths to keep his dirty little secrets, secret. I was so broken down, and told that it was my fault, that I was conditioned to believe those secrets were mine and the shame was mine to carry. So I carried on, with a smile, while slowly whitering away both physically and emotionally till there was not much left. Distracting myself and others with acheivement, and service. I believed healing looked like pretending the past didn’t hurt anymore. That being a “good Christian” meant showing up, performing, and never letting anyone see the cracks. I knew how to quote Scripture, how to serve, how to sing in the fire without admitting I was burning.

But the truth is—God doesn’t bless the version of us we pretend to be. He meets us in the places we’re afraid to bring into the light. And when the fire came, it didn’t come to destroy me. It came to deliver me.

The Performance Almost Killed Me

In Refiner’s Reach, I wrote about how I confused religion with relationship—how I mistook outward success, spiritual effort, and looking “put together” for being truly whole. I carried this performance into all aspects of my life, that I couldn't control. Into manipulative and abusive relationships. Performing with a smile, but I was exhausted. Empty. Exploited. I didn’t yet realize how trauma and survival can teach us to perform. To smile. To overachieve. To hide. I buried pain beneath polished prayers. I bandaged shame with Bible verses. I wore church clothes over fresh wounds.

But God saw through the performance. And instead of turning away, He drew near.

The Fire Didn’t Break Me—It Revealed Me

The refining began when everything I was pretending began to fall apart. Relationships cracked. Religion felt hollow. The smile faded. And finally, all that was left… was the truth. And Jesus.

That’s when I realized: the fire wasn’t my enemy. It was God’s mercy.

God doesn’t start fires to punish us. He allows them to purify what has been polluted—by trauma, by lies, by abuse, by performance. The heat reveals what needs healing. And in the exposure, He invites us to stop pretending and start healing.

The moment we stop saying “I’m fine” and start saying “I need You” is the moment the refining becomes holy.

There was a moment, I knew God had strengthend me. I was in a realtionship that threatened me with blackmail images of my past, a past I had tried to bury and keep secret. Prior, I would have performed to keep those images secret, done anything to keep the dirt under the rug- But I had, had enough. For what felt like the first time in a lifetime, I said no. I stood up for myself. It wasn't pretty, it was hard, it was dirty, it exposed a lot about myself that I wasn't proud of in the making, but I knew my value was more than I was being offered.

What Healing Looks Like Now

The Exploited was born from—not the beginning of the fire, but the aftermath of it. When the ashes settled and I realized healing wasn’t about hiding my wounds, but exposing them to the Healer. It’s not about being fixed, but about being free.

Now, healing looks like:

• Resting instead of performing

• Grieving instead of numbing

• Boundaries instead of burnout

• Relationship with Jesus over religion about Him

• Honesty with safe people instead of hiding behind smiles

For the One Still Smiling Through Pain…

If you’re reading this and still wearing the mask—know this:

God sees through it, and He still loves you. He doesn’t love the polished version of you more than the messy one. He isn’t asking for your performance; He’s asking for your presence.

You don’t have to hold it all together to be held by Him.

There is a fire that doesn’t destroy—it delivers. A refining that doesn’t shame—it sanctifies. And there is a hope that doesn’t disappoint. His name is Jesus.

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